Sixteen Cardles – Razzball Fantasy Baseball

(The Cards win, the Cards win)1 x 8 = 16. 16 is also the number of runs the Braves will score to eliminate the Cards in the playoffs. I kid. Kinda. No need to keep looking for Mr. Nootbaar. The Caards haas-beens haas been aamaazing, even Harrison Bader (1-for-4 and his 15th homer), perhaps the worst hitter in the major leagues. Haarsh? P to the erhaaps. But look at Harrison Bader’s Statcast. If you don’t at least let out a small chuckle, you’re not 100% what you’re looking at, which is fine. I will explain after the picture:

More like HAHArrison Bader. Woof, dog, take that screenshot to the kennel; it’s time to put her to sleep. His xBA is .229. His exit velocity is bottom twenty, when adding in more guys than even qualify. He has the hard hit percentages of guys who are crossed-eyed and should be out of the league. For 2022 fantasy, Harrison Bader is a decent real world player for defense, but he’s a very bad, er, hitter. Of course! Who cares for the final week? He has three games straight with a homer, and he’s one of the top schmotatoes in the game. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-3 and his 31st homer. Au Shizz!

Ranger Suarez – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.45. The Phillies had a Cy Young for the 1st half of the year (Wheeler), and he might’ve been bested by their 2nd half Cy Young (Ranger). Was hundred percent throwing shade at Trevor Bauer six weeks ago, when I said Ranger Suarez would’ve been the Cy Young if he had these two months last year, but now I’m starting to believe it.

Nick Pivetta – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.52. Was looking at the Streamonator for Pivetta’s next start, and thinking how sad it would be to have my season come down to a Pivetta start, then I thought about how that’s the situation the Red Sox find themselves in and they spend $159 million a year, so that made me feel better.

Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 34th homer, hitting .277, and his 4th homer in five games, and a rekindling of my nethers that have long been dormant. Don’t leave the nethers dangling without warmth, my sweet Giancarlo.

Brandon Belt – Left yesterday’s game after hurting himself while trying to bunt, which makes total sense in Coors. He hit his 28th and 29th homers on Saturday. Will be going over all the position recaps starting next week, and I may or may not say this then, but Belt is having himself a solid 2019 Mitch Garver year. While they are totally unrelated players, I can’t help feel like anyone who comes out of nowhere to hit 30-ish homers in 100-ish games will also disappear the following year just as fast.

Kevin Gausman – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.87. Um, cool, so don’t take this the wrong way, but was he holding back for a random game in Coors? Where was this for the last two months?

Marcus Semien – 0-for-5 and his 43rd homer on Saturday. He tied Davey Johnson with the most homers from a 2nd baseman. Okay, but let’s see Marcus lead a team of coke heads to the World Series. “Hey, Doc, that’s the foul line, man, stop trying to sniff it.” That’s Davey Johnson in 1986.

George Springer – 3-for-4 and his 19th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. How many games did Springer even play this year? 72! The Refrigerator of numbers.

Eli Morgan – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.27 vs. Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 2.72. Is there any final outcome to a matchup that better encapsulates H2H playoffs? Eli Morgan, who I believe is mentioned in The Hanukah Song vs. one of the best starters in baseball and that was the outcome. Absolutely terrific and fair.

Shohei Ohtani – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.18, 1-for-3, hitting .258. Shohei is the first player since Willie Mays in 1955 to have 45+ HRs, 20+ SBs, 6+ triples. The best pitcher on that 1955 team: Johnny Antonelli who went 14-16/3.33/1.22/143 in 235 1/3 IP. Shohei has a better ERA, WHIP and more strikeouts in over 100 less IP. Shohei Ohtani has broken baseball.

Jarred Kelenic – 2-for-4 and his 14th homer. Can’t imagine I’ll be the only breathing heavy like Sling Blade for Kelenic next year. It’ll just come down to who’s the most Sling Bladiest.

Marco Gonzales – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.00. Final start of the year might be for all the marbles, and even if it’s not, the Streamonator loves it.

Shane McClanahan – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.44. Already want to draft for 2022. Yes, this is a sickness. But I do!

Shane Baz – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.69. Okay, this offseason I’m gonna need Ryan Yarbrough to change his name to Shane Yarbrough or Ryan Shanebro or some shizz, because I just want to nuzzle me some Rays Shanes.

Wander Franco – 2-for-4, 2 runs and has reached base 41 straight times. He’s 20 years old. The only other player in history to do this at the age of 20 is Frank Robinson, who holds the record at 43 games. Can I rank Wander in the top 20 next year without people thinking I might’ve lost my mind?

Lewin Diaz – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting .216. Saw Miami’s Diaz homered and I was like, “Tiger Woods fist pump, Isan Diaz homered!” Then I saw it was Lewin, and I was like, “Oh.” Pretty sure I’m the only one in the entire world who had that reaction since Isan is rostered in even less leagues than Lewin. I’m one of a kind in the most uninteresting of ways.

Corey Seager – 2-for-4 and his 11th and 12th homer. Those two are to show his brother, who has 35 homers, how to hit homers, according to their mom.

Trea Turner – 2-for-4 and his 25th homer, hitting .322. Treat Urner is the 7th player in MLB history with 100+ HR and 200+ SB in his first 7 seasons. The seven are: Both Bonds, sexy! Eric Davis, awesome! Hanley Ramirez, great! Cesar Cedeno, cool in his time! Juan Samuel, oh, okay.

Julio Urias – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.01. If this was ten years ago, Urias would’ve easily won the NL Cy Young because of his win total (19), but the nerds have ruined everything! Stop ruining stuff, nerds!

Hans Crouse – 3 IP, 1 ER, as he made his major league debut. His first pitch delivered in the majors was hit for a home run by Cole Tucker. Hans Crouse knows how to please Vanessa Hudgens.

David Bednar – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.15, as he was activated from the IL and worked the 7th inning. Hunh, weird. I thought he would go back in as closer, as other websites keep telling people, when it’s clearly not true.

Alex Bregman – 2-for-4 and his 11th homer. Shouldn’t laughed after enduring Cody Belanger all year, but 11 homers from Bregman is truly something.

Dane Dunning – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.32. Never been as confident about anything as I am saying this year we saw more 4 2/3 IP starts than at any point in MLB history. It’s almost like MLB managers are trying to only throw guys 4 2/3 IP. It’s only one more out and Dunning had allowed only one hit and threw 71 pitches. If a guy can throw 71 pitches, he definitely can throw five more to try to get one more out.

Wily Peralta – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.08. At least he threw 100 pitches! Streamonator hates his next start, but it’s against the White Sox, who haven’t covered Wily since Jason Biggs.

Kris Bubic – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.52. I streamed Bubic and Wily in the same league, because streaming happens in the Wily/Bubic region and I desperately need IP (and didn’t think much of either offense).

Francisco Lindor – 1-for-4 and his 18th homer. You going in on Lindor in 2022? It should be so easy considering his price next year, but I’m dreaming about Willy Adames (2-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 24th homer) and dreading Lindor.

Carlos Carrasco – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.73. This offseason “Teaching Old Dogs New Tricks, A Seminar” by Adam Wainwright at the local St. Louis Ramada? Enroll Carrasco!

Triston McKenzie – 2 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.81. This guy already has so many nicknames — Strong Bean, Stretch Armweak — and now you can Marvel at his comic character name, Da Railing, as in he just keeps derailing, and he’s as skinny as a railing. Soon his teammates can go by The Guardians of Da Railing.

Lucas Giolito – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.58. Nice that he finished strong. Why did he throw 100 pitches in a meaningless game vs. the Guardians? Was Lol Russa distracted by the pitcher of Bud?

Kyle Farmer – 1-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting near .400 in the last week, and I’m admittedly grasping at straws to find a hot schmotato in the final week, but Farmer seems to be one.

Tyler Stephenson – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .283. Wanna know how bad I got it? I’m actively excited about drafted Tyler Stephenson in 2022. A late catcher!

Nick Castellanos – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 32nd homer, hitting .309, and his 3rd homer in the last three games. The Greek God of Hard Contact has received zero MVP consideration (from what I’ve seen). Not sure why, but I’m gonna guess Greek discrimination. Like what stopped the Greek hip-hop group Cyprus Hill from worldwide acclaim with How I Could Just Tzatziki’ll A Man